the early morning life

the alarm goes off at 4 am now. most days. reason? add one job to my list: personal driver to hopkins medicin intern. we now share a car. no there are no trains or light rails or even busses with any sort of handy route to the hospital from here. but its a rather direct quick drive.
up at four. sun salute before 6.
new productivity. thats the plan.

all by my self

so strange today. my family is at the beach (except for the one that is always at the hospital, he is at the hospital). i was going to go to the beach. but i have this cold. uagh this cold. so here i am, completely alone in this house for the weekend. strange! i would like to think that if i were well i would do all sorts of interesting things. but alas i am ill and mostly on the couch.

so i listened to wait wait dont tell me and other radio and knit half a scarf.

i watched the third episode of this season's top chef on hulu (why has my tivo not been recording them! i didnt even realize it started dagnabbit. too must trust in tivo. shucks. and apparently i missed something called top chef masters this summer too. drat!).

i also got a burst of energy and planted all of the plants that the fairy plant person left on my porch. this morning all of a sudden there were plants desperately begging to be transplanted, on my porch! a surprise! i dont even know what they are! i suspect broccoli and cauliflower and something else or more of the same.

im sorry i didnt get to see you fairy plant person. probably on your way off to the farm in the early morning. thank you for all the plants. i should give you a bag of beans.

and then after digging in dirt and carrying compost and pulling weeks for a bit i took a bath and laid right back down.

and then i played guitar on the porch swing and attempted to write a song which has not happened in 10 years. the singing hurt. because of the cold.

then i sat on the swing and thought about all the time that has gone by in those ten years and how everything is so very different. tried to identify what is the same. i got a little sad missing the me and the us of ten years ago.

then i drew a picture.

and now i think i might maybe be feeling well enough and not coughing so much that i might be up to going to hamilton tavern for a beer and a copy of the paper im working on to edit and scribble on and have some breakthrough about. but im not sure. still fairly crummy/coughy. and it will be full of people who are there together. i havent been there much and am not sure about going alone. i need more friends that do not have babies at home or busy hospital jobs or anything else to do but go to hamilton tavern with me.

The Doctor's Wife

I enjoyed this little story.
Oh marriage. Oh relationships. So rarely do they work, really. I've seen a good handful of divorces and other big separations up close. Munson writes about taking responsibility for your own happiness, about being strong and independent. And she is. There are so many ways that a person might react in her situation. She seems brilliant and cool and so collected.

I'm not interested in this because my family is falling apart. But I aspire to her "end of suffering" attitude in all situations, and have been thinking about personal happiness and family and independence a lot lately. See, I recently find myself to be a doctor's wife. Oh those two words carry a lot of baggage for me. Someone cruel and unkind in my past once said something cruel and unkind about my aspiring to life as a doctors wife, a comment that cut strangely deep. And now, here it is, doctor wifedom. To be called a "doctor's wife" defines a person entirely by their spouse. Not even the spouse, really, but the spouse's job. The nasty jab from my past implied that I had no ambitions of my own. Which is why when I found myself a doctor's wife and a stay at home mom, with a dissertation inert as cold molasses*, wiping down the high chair again and yet again, doing the bazillianth sink full of dishes, washing diapers, mowing the lawn and cleaning the bathrooms, I, well I had a lot to think about. I was a bit grumpy and complainy. I ate too much cake and drank enough wine.

But - BUT - the grump is generally passed. The truth is that whatever suffering I thought I might be feeling continued to be baggage about perceptions about what I should be doing. How things ought to be. Predictability - oh I hate predictability. It seemed too predictable to be the stay at home mom (note: when your partner is a medicine intern you are a single mother). Too predictable that it would be the woman who is at home washing diapers and making dinner. The result is partly exhaustion of doing housework, but really I only do what I want to do - I do not do any of the things that I do throughout the day as some kind of wifely duty (spat!) by god no. I just happen to really like cooking. I want to use cloth diapers so, I have to wash them. I like to bake. So I do. Ugh it is so stay-at-home mom. But my neighbor across the street is a stay at home dad for the summer, and sometimes z and I go across the street for a playdate (and a cocktail). He, like me, teaches in the fall and spring and not in the summer. He, like me, happens to be the one in the partnership that could stay home with munchin. It is convenient and necessary and not the last word in my life's accomplishments - which is good for me because this is not what I am best at. Oh I am fine, we're doing pretty good. But preschool is going to be really good for z. And in the fall I will teach again and get massive amounts of dissertating done.

Meanwhile, I have learned to relax and enjoy this summer. Z is so amazing now, learning to talk, being hilarious and clever and silly.

And, also, I have also learned that the barb "doctor's wife" should really have a different meaning. To be a doctor's spouse, at least in the early stages, such as internship, is a time of intense independence. Interns work 80-125bazillion hours a week.

*smidge overstatement. there is movement. its happening. it will. choo choo!

thumpthump

this evening im wondering if ive eaten too much bread, ive baked a fair amount, and my pants are tight. the last loaf wasnt all done in the middle and my middle is doughy because i couldnt not eat it, mustnt waste bread, thats what they say. and my heart hasnt thumped much today. probably because i went to the doctor, or the nurse that is, the nurse that is my doctor and thinks i am crazy because i have told her i have asthma at night and my heart thumps at night but only at night i swear. the asthma left so thats not a problem and the heart thumpthump doesnt bother me to be honest. i only report it to her because i am supposed to be worried but im not worried, i like to feel the flopping heart thumpthump. it isnt disturbing or painful but strange. i dont notice my heart otherwise. its nice to be reminded thumpthump im alive.

taming the locks

been in nebraska for several days - a real busy quick trip. its great fun to see zoe with her grandparents. sad to take her away from them.
classes start on wednesday and i best prepare. i would like to do so with a slick new haircut (and some lecture planning, of course). i never cut my hair. seriously. once or twice a year maybe. its a curly long au natural mess. it could use a professional edge now that i am going to be leaving the house and educating young minds. problem is, im a serious cheapskate. when you never have your hair cut or colored or styled it is damn hard to start spending bunches on such things. particularly when you are cheap and without much money. but, i think ill go for it. time to growup, or something. i think i might try Sprout, an organic salon that looks like a good place to dive into the grownup world of haircare.

ok, so i miss it.

Hm, I said I was going away, and I found that 1) I am not that busy with the new job yet (the craziness will start in a week or so), 2) i sort of miss typing into space. so these are the new things that are happening:
1) there are suddenly crazy gangs of cats in our neighborhood that are in heat and make terrible noises and appear to love our backyard. husbub chases them away with a broom. but at night they just wake us up. we keep our kitty safely indoors.
2) half of my tomato seedling stopped growing. sadly stunted. pout. so yesterday we took a family trip to the lovely valley view gardening center and bought plants: tomatoes, eggplant, bell peppers, hot peppers, sweet potato, cilantro (supposed to attract good bugs to get rid of bad bugs eating my precious peas), fennel, and basil. so sad that the seed experiment didn't work too well once again. but the squash came up excellently, as well as my peas and beans and i have a few healthy looking broccoli! so seeds were not a total disaster.
3) also bought compost activator...hopefully it activates the compost. cook compost cook!
4) go obama go! what else is there to say? yay!
5) zozobean has a refusal to nap problem. this makes her grumpy and i get grumpy too. pout. were working on it. the good news is that tonight after an especially happy fun splashy bath she went to sleep like a charm - even laid down drowsy awake and fell asleep in her crib! (a super accomplishment that i think only other parents can appreciate).
6) i realized that even if i spend all of each day holding and playing with ms.zo i consistently have about three hours from her bedtime to my bedtime with which to work. thats plenty. so life is good.
7)now its raining like crazy. hope it helps all those plants grow big and strong. it does keep the crazy cats away. and cools this hot house. that is definitely welcome.

ah. nice to have that off my chest.

happy at home

So many things to talk about. Here is a relatively randomly generated list:

Glad to be home. And really glad ms. zo has gone back to happily sleeping in her crib for good long bouts of time at night. It was all about co-sleeping on the road, which was nice in the cuddle department and not so nice in the get-good-sleep department.

So proud of my baby girl who rocked as super traveler for three days of driving to Nebraska and a long flight home with too many hours in Chicago (but thanks for the rocking chairs in the airport, thats nice!)

So proud of my little brother who rocked as Tommy in his highschool's production of Brigadoon.

In Nebraska I had the chance to record a couple tracks for a lullaby cd my mom's group Baby Needs Shoes is working on. Lots of fun. The first time anyone sang while nursing a baby in that particular studio...probably not common in any studio. And Zoe may make an appearance as well. We tried to record cute cooing sounds, but she was mostly interested in yelling in a way that wont really jive with a lullaby album.

While hanging out at my mothers I watched daytime tv for the first time in forever and saw one of those morning "news" shows, you know that one where they go outside and talk to the screaming people, Good Morning America I think. Anyhow, they did a little bit about how many resources the average person uses in a lifetime and they talked about disposable diapers. My thoughts about this rambled so long I have decided to make it a separate post - so see above.

Zoe had her two month shots today and I almost got teary. Poor thing has been hurt so few times in life so far. Wish I could always protect her from pain. I don't actually think that vaccines cause autism, and I do think that vaccines save lives. But I nevertheless couldnt help but think about it and feel a little worried...

I got a spinning composter for my birthday! Yay for the husbub who took up a collection among family. N0w to start diggin in the dirt. We have plants still in the ground from before winter...the broccoli has bloomed in lovely little yellow flowers. Who knew broccoli produced lovely little yellow flowers? But unfortunately only tomatoes and broccoli seedlings have grown, the eggplant and pepper seeds failed to rise up. shucks.

Yay for roasting marshmallows in the backyard! (see pics :)

my current worry

Zoe doesnt like to nap anymore. She has slept fantastic at night lately, but not so much during the day. I got great amounts of work done in her 3 hour morning nap of time past. But apparently she believes she has outgrown that. I am a bit worried about the dissertation proposal that I am presenting the second week of may, which has tremendous amounts of work to be done - work that first requires a few brilliant solutions to be worked out, which requires time. But this evening my family arrives (which of course means that today and yesterday my bits of time were spent cleaning) and then on Sunday Zoe and I will get in the car and drive back to Nebraska with them. Yes, Baltimore to Omaha. Its going to be a very, very long drive. When I get back there will be about two weeks to do all that brilliant dissertation stuff. I hope the fates are on my side, because it will take serious amounts of luck.
Meanwhile, even when I have a moment to do so, I cant seem to think about International Organizations or academia. Just not in the groove.
When Im back I will tell the story of the long road trip, cd recording, brother's star role in his musical, and Zoe's first plane ride - all planned during this grand adventure.
wish us luck.
please.

a car wreck, a hospital, and how it is george bush's fault

This is the tale of my ridiculous day that sucked but could have been much much worse:
We were trying to get to our regular appointment at the hospital this morning but the police were blockading every single intersection along one street such that a person could absolutely not cross into downtown. It was impossible to get to the hospital and we were forced way out of our way in attempt to find a way around the blockade. All of the driving the wrong way and being stuck in traffic caused our gas tank to be dangerously low, so we sought to pull into a gas station. In the process we were hit passenger side, maybe 30 miles per hour. I screamed. I bumped my head and got jostled around. Tim had a bit of whiplash. Our car got a huge huge crack. But we seemed to be ok. Baby seemed to be ok. But as I am due tomorrow, I took a ride to the hospital in an ambulance (which they let through the blockade) and was wheeled through ER to labor and delivery where I sat for about three hours in bed on monitors. All this was not enough to put me into labor, and as everything seemed fine they let me go. Oh, and the blockade was for Bush who was in town today. Damn him.

struggling

i am really struggling with motivation, feeling a huge immobile mental block. there is no good reason that i should not be able to do academic work right now, the baby has not arrived and may wait weeks to do so. i am not busy. part of the problem is what i am supposed to work on, which is a paper for a conference at the end of march on a topic that is interesting for sure but not precisely what i already know about. the abstract i sent ages ago turned out to not be the line of inquiry i have followed since...that's the problem with sending abstracts before you write papers. i want to attend the conference to listen to other people, but if i am going to go i should participate, as Ive been invited to (and it doesn't hurt the cv of course). cant participate without writing the stinking paper. I'm also seriously unsure about leaving my new little baby behind - there is a chance the husbub may come along so we could bring the babe. that would be great. though involve buying another plane ticket. i already paid for the conference so if i bail now i lose money. but i am seriously doubting my ability to pull off this little feat of writing. this is what academics are supposed to be good at - one of the few things we are supposed to be good at - and i seriously doubt ill get it done. really disappointed in myself for finding it so impossible and knowing it will only be harder if i wait. unless the baby serves as some sort of muse - but I'm not trying to be a poet. so its doubtful.
usually going to a new location, a coffee house generally, helps. but the car wont start. uhuh.

Crazy, thats me.

I officially designate myself a crazy person. I have a tendency to get stuck in a loop, my mind will keep working on something, often something relatively mundane or that I cant do anything about, and it takes me quite a while to move on. Lately Ive been stuck in a cloth diaper loop. I have got the types, the pros and cons of this and that, down. Now it is just decision-making and deal-finding that occupies an embarrassing number of hours. embarrassing. Deciding what to buy is complicated by the tightness of the budget, but at least I can be reassured to know that overall I will be saving money in the long run using cloth over disposables - especially if I were to buy some relatively eco-friendly disposables like seventh generation. Besides even so called biodegradable diapers will not actually disintegrate in a landfill anyhow, as even banana peels are well preserved in the ecology of a landfill. Anyhow, I have almost decided on what I will be buying, and they will be relatively boring and economical, though the cute and newfangled and organic and fluffy etc are tempting, just pricey. But the point is, I am getting ever closer to decision making, though being fully psychotic during the process. Meanwhile I have developed a equally crazy day dream of opening a store - a real bricks and mortar store - in baltimore for cloth diapers, wraps, baby things made by maryland work at home moms, things I like, green products, gently used things, etc. I even have a spot picked out (on harford road with red canoe and zekes and that new knitting store). I have always had a bit of an entrepreneurial bug in me, though my only experience actually running a business was a coffee shop, not a baby retail. And I know that in reality it would be craziness, and I would have to take out loans and then I would most likely go (even more) broke. And not to mention, I'm supposed to write a dissertation in the next couple years. But lately I have enjoyed the thought of dissing the diss and opening this store, with a playroom and community space where I can work with my baby in tow and meet and help other new parents and where people could buy good products in person rather than only online, which is where all the cloth diapering stuff is, at least when in baltimore. Its not the tea shop that I used to dream about opening, but I think there might be a market for it and it sounds fun. A little green shop for baby and me, and other babies, and you.

But, like I said, absolutely crazy.

So this is the new year

Happy 2008! I have high hopes for this year. Im making wishes for positive turns of international political and personal nature. The best and only way to start, to "be the change you want to see" if you will, is with the personal. So our house is starting 2008 with organized and cleaned closets and basement. Perhaps mundane, but I thought it was a great way to spend new years day; after sleeping in and cleaning up the zillion plates and dishes and etc from our impromptu new years eve celebration the night before, of course. In the last week of 2007 I had family visiting and with their help we have renovated the baby room - yay! Now I feel significantly more ready for the little one's arrival. Not perfectly finished or prepared, but much much better. And now it is January; just one month to go (or there abouts)! And its a month that I mostly have free to be home, which is a rare thing that I am approaching with excitement pleasure and a touch of apprehension. So overall it is an exciting month, and in lieu of yearlong resolutions I have a list of January goals:

January Goals:
1. Finish cleaning/organizing and such nesting activities such as figuring out what cloth diaper style to use, buy, and etc etc.
2. Plan the garden. Yay! I am excited for this. This will be the third year we have planted a garden, and we learn a great deal each time. This is the first year that I have requested seed catalogues instead of buying whatever packets and transplants are available at garden shops. This will be (hopefully) the first year I manage to really plant from seed instead of attempt and then end up buying transplants anyhow. Dont have much in the way of indoor sunny spots for little seeds to develop. But im giving it another shot. I am also resolving to be a more dedicated garden tender. Im really hoping to get the best harvest out of my efforts as possible this year. While gardening for the sake of gardening is fun, our budget is extra extra tight now (replacing rent-paying tenants with a baby will do that) and I am really hoping to make our harvest stretch our grocery budget.
3. Write paper for March ISA conference before the baby arrives. Buy the plane tickets and go to the conference, even if such a thought is frightening and strange as a will-be new mom.
4. Cook at home. We rarely eat out or order in, but this month as I will have time I am excited to try some new recipes and experiment with cost-saving family friendly things that will be easy and useful later. Im talking not letting anything go to waste, using dry legumes and lentils and maybe learning to bake bread that actually rises. While I love baking easy breads like banana etc, I have always been a bit frightened of the yeast rising bread baking process. Im going to give it a go.
Im looking forward to January, and the rest of 2008! I hope it brings all of you the good times I am hoping for!

why pregnant women dont tip over

the times has an article called "why pregnant women dont tip over," which is a hilarious title.
for the record, when i get up in the middle of the night and waddle to the bathroom i feel 100% like a weeble wobble, but so far i havent fallen down. (luckily my balance is better during the day when i have my wits about me) guess my uprightness is thanks to evolutions adjustment to my spine. go evolution go.

pushing out diamonds

somewhere in the random reading ive started doing about being pregnant and etc etc i had heard that it is somewhat customary for dads out there to give moms a present for delivering a baby (typically sparkly and expensive). i mentioned it to tim (babydaddy) who was a bit incredulous. eyebrow raised. are you kidding me? but he knows that whatever the circumstance i dont want diamonds anyhow. in fact id be pissed if he spent a gaggle of money on something so unappealing and dumb (in my opinion). doesnt help that we are scrimping and saving for things such as a crib and clearly not in the income bracket of those interviewed for the times article that bought hot tubs and louis vuitton bags (gag) to ease the daddy guilt that the 21st century sensitive man apparently gains by paying attention to their partner during pregnancy. im not going to say that pregnancy is a cake walk. sure i have looked a bit grumpilly at my physically-unaffected husband at times, but the more overwhelming feeling that i have, as a now 8 months pregoplump chick (jesus, how can that be already?) is that i am damned charmed that i have the choice to be pregnant if i want - and im enjoying it! men, and lots of women, dont have that choice. sure, ive had a really lucky healthy pregnancy. which isnt the case for all. but not everyone struggles either. when i feel the baby move, the supposedly guilt ridden partner in this process can only imagine what that is like. meanwhile i fully enjoy taking my baby on walks, and napping together in the afternoon, and feeling amazing (albeit with heartburn, squished lungs, and etc etc). the non-birthing partner can provide all kinds of support, endless kinds of support, that do not include diamond earrings. that's not to say that real heart-felt gifts are bad, but this type of expected/demanded (expensive) quid pro quo for labor, as the times article describes, borders on gross.

real partnership is something so significantly more than push-presents imply. i have, on more than one occasion, felt great comfort in knowing that i have that kind of support and cannot fathom going through pregnancy and birth alone (physically or emotionally). it can be scary. really scary. even for a strong independent women. the kind of partner support that helps one through both the fear and the heartburn is what women have really lacked for much of history. the picture of the world that the times article describes doesnt sound like progress to me.

criminals ruining my day, and bad luck blues

i am in philadelphia, like i am every monday, in order to teach. but i had to cancel class because someone shattered my car window and stole my bag. luckily i had my purse and computer bag, so i only lost clothes and toiletries and the cute red travel bag that i carried them in. i definitely should know to keep bags in the trunk so as to not tempt thieves, but i guess i have gotten lazy and complacent as i havent been robbed in awhile.
so, my window has a black plastic trash bag and tape and i am out the money it will cost to replace it and some favorite maternity clothes and am totally annoyed to be in philadelphia without my toothbrush or facesoap but at least i am ok and i still have the car. could be much much worse. still, its been a serious streak of bad luck around our house lately. im ready for the tide to turn.

sitting in bluehouse, too much on the brain

I have been busy lately with, well, several things. and there are several things on my mind. things that vary widely in importance, but all of which seem to sit at the forefront of my brain. some of them are:
1. our roomate is seriously totally missing. tried to file a missing persons report with the police, but i didnt know his birthdate and apparently that is crucial. they said to call back later if hes still missing. ! yep. still missing. 3 wks and counting. ive begun investigating with his past employer, but sadly dont know anyone else to contact. feel terrible for not knowing more about this quiet artist.
2. baby room is is disaster mode and someone has to scrape lead paint out from behind paneling and wallpaper and "air scrub" it and i have to be somewhere else while this happens, and they wont say precisely when they will show up to do the work.
3. want to buy eco-paint to put on the new walls when they are done, but havent researched what kind and how pricey it will be.
4. dont have any of the things that should go in the room when its done. or a real idea of what i want it to look like.
5. need to order the rug. want to order from flor.com, fantastic company. great product and ideal for spill-magnet baby rooms, and they have a 15% off anything sale until friday. but struggling to make final color/texture decisions. coupon code: FF873W
6. the collapsible bags i ordered are pretty great. though i expected them to collapse into an even smaller size for the purse, though its nothing big. and the yellow is, well, not the most beautiful, but it was cheaper (now i see why - probably not selling as fast) and the company reusablebags.com won an award for green business of the year from co-op america (im a member, are you??) and are offering a free bag, one of their best sellers, with orders over 25$ if you put "free acme bag" into comments box of order until 11/16. so im thinking about other christmas gifts (they sell more than bags).
7. oh yeah, and the dissertation prospectus...a month and counting. damn.
8. and lastly, my students quiz grades are abysmal. seriously, i try to make it easy! what the heck!

hot chocolate for coffee

im in a coffee shop cafe and i only just realized that the music im listening to is live, a man in the corner with a guitar, so classic, along with my hot cocoa which has replaced coffee as my regular beverage treat, that and rooibos tea (always a winner) but today is a seattle day in baltimore rainy and chilly and made for hot cocoa, no whip, and sitting on this couch at the evergreen (fitting into my seattle in baltimore day theme) i have finally put a literature review in a conference paper to be finished soon ugh drudgery but i did it and now ill go eat fajitas and play board games with friends for the night
i hope you are all having a nice hot cocoa style day

DC internship

today was day 1 of taking the train down to DC for my new internship. im going to be working for the gallup world poll, sifting through poll data and writing up analyses and news bits that will be on the Internet and read by super cool Yasmin in the little online news clips. im excited about it, fun to be in an office with interesting people and taking the metro around DC and having an excuse to buy new work shoes and getting both compliments and blisters on the first day wearing them to the office. but more seriously, this poll is pretty fascinating. 130 countries. opinions on wellbeing and quality of life and competence of government. the only frustrating thing is that gallup doesnt open up the data for all to see freely but sells subscriptions at a pretty penny. if you dont belong to a university that subscribes you can read what we post on the web. check it out!

stream of chaotic consciousness

hallelujah for yoga and the yoga journal which pleasantly provided me with a wonderful ahah moment this week regarding my back which has suffered terrible problems nearly all remedied by a combination of putting my feet on the mat and regular visits to a chiropractor (who knew my insurance would cover back cracking?) for several weeks now. i actually hold suspicion about this chiropractic business, it may be all witchcrafty and sound effects. but a little witch magic power never hurt, and may in fact be helping. the renewed attention to posture and countering my hyper-extended lumbar issue is certainly helping. long lotus relaxation is a remedy i recommend to anyone and everyone. i do not necessarilly recommend hours and hours of sitting on your tucus sifting through zillions of pages and banging your head against a keyboard. im feeling a little overwhelmed and tired and today slept at a rest stop halfway between phila and b'more for 10 minutes that turned into 2 hours in order to not fall asleep driving. my partner leaves the house before 4am and returns around 8pm and we come and go and smile and say hi as we pass in the hallway. though i should say, while i feel overwhelmed at the moment, it must be admitted that we lead a charmed existence. we really do. i do.
if i organize my desk i may get a grip.

back.

here i am!
tim and i made a little pact to each blog again. ive added him to my short list of real-friends' blogs. so, here it goes: to blog again.
today i feel like i had a party last night - and i did! i had this fantastic dance party. although there was some sort of under the radar pandemic last night and turn out was a little wimpy, those of us on the dance floor had a fantastic time. all week im celebrating my birthday, and dancing is my favorite way to do so. and then today i picked up the paint brush again. a few times a year i dedicate myself to painting again, and inevitably the brushes find their way back into the drawer. but if i keep pulling them out, thats ok. so im painting, when its done ill give you a peek. who knows, maybe this time i keep it up. i do have a new spot for my art desk and that can make all the difference. so this summer ill paint, and ill garden. the broccoli and tomato seedlings are doing fantastic! peppers, not so much. but broccoli and tomatoes are my favorite anyhow. now we just need to get the ground dug up before the little seeding pots are terribly rootbound. hm. maybe after my dissertation proposal draft 1 is finished. i did build myself a potting bench. so im on my way.
well, now that i have my blog caught up on my little life, ill return to posting semi-regular thoughts. and so will tim! im holding you to it!
here we go!