The Doctor's Wife

I enjoyed this little story.
Oh marriage. Oh relationships. So rarely do they work, really. I've seen a good handful of divorces and other big separations up close. Munson writes about taking responsibility for your own happiness, about being strong and independent. And she is. There are so many ways that a person might react in her situation. She seems brilliant and cool and so collected.

I'm not interested in this because my family is falling apart. But I aspire to her "end of suffering" attitude in all situations, and have been thinking about personal happiness and family and independence a lot lately. See, I recently find myself to be a doctor's wife. Oh those two words carry a lot of baggage for me. Someone cruel and unkind in my past once said something cruel and unkind about my aspiring to life as a doctors wife, a comment that cut strangely deep. And now, here it is, doctor wifedom. To be called a "doctor's wife" defines a person entirely by their spouse. Not even the spouse, really, but the spouse's job. The nasty jab from my past implied that I had no ambitions of my own. Which is why when I found myself a doctor's wife and a stay at home mom, with a dissertation inert as cold molasses*, wiping down the high chair again and yet again, doing the bazillianth sink full of dishes, washing diapers, mowing the lawn and cleaning the bathrooms, I, well I had a lot to think about. I was a bit grumpy and complainy. I ate too much cake and drank enough wine.

But - BUT - the grump is generally passed. The truth is that whatever suffering I thought I might be feeling continued to be baggage about perceptions about what I should be doing. How things ought to be. Predictability - oh I hate predictability. It seemed too predictable to be the stay at home mom (note: when your partner is a medicine intern you are a single mother). Too predictable that it would be the woman who is at home washing diapers and making dinner. The result is partly exhaustion of doing housework, but really I only do what I want to do - I do not do any of the things that I do throughout the day as some kind of wifely duty (spat!) by god no. I just happen to really like cooking. I want to use cloth diapers so, I have to wash them. I like to bake. So I do. Ugh it is so stay-at-home mom. But my neighbor across the street is a stay at home dad for the summer, and sometimes z and I go across the street for a playdate (and a cocktail). He, like me, teaches in the fall and spring and not in the summer. He, like me, happens to be the one in the partnership that could stay home with munchin. It is convenient and necessary and not the last word in my life's accomplishments - which is good for me because this is not what I am best at. Oh I am fine, we're doing pretty good. But preschool is going to be really good for z. And in the fall I will teach again and get massive amounts of dissertating done.

Meanwhile, I have learned to relax and enjoy this summer. Z is so amazing now, learning to talk, being hilarious and clever and silly.

And, also, I have also learned that the barb "doctor's wife" should really have a different meaning. To be a doctor's spouse, at least in the early stages, such as internship, is a time of intense independence. Interns work 80-125bazillion hours a week.

*smidge overstatement. there is movement. its happening. it will. choo choo!