dance dance baby

this morning i am all "music and dancing" on the brain. on the way to campus i was grooving with wtmd. i love wtmd. i am so glad we are members this year. i talk to my students all the time about the collective action challenge of creating public goods, and now we are helping create this super public good of good music, which brings me back to my topic: dancing.
baby girl loves to dance. she dances when a cell phone rings. she finds a cd in a case, she holds it up, dances, and signs "please" as in "please turn on the music already!" and she can groove. shes got groovy baby moves. and ive been dancing with her, and around her, and fitting in the only exercise i get anytime by bouncing and jamming to songs about farm animals and my personal favorite "if i had a million dollars id be eatin' ice cream for hours, if i had my own sweet shop id be eatin' taffy and lollipops" and its good and its fun. today, in the car, i wished for a more grown up dance party and felt nostalgic for particularly great dance parties, college days, old friends, yadda yadda. so ill be thinking of those good times of past while im having the good times of now with the best, and shortest, dancer i know.

a consideration of the last year and home

ive been waiting until i had several other important things to do - finish a syllabus, write a conference paper (well, cut and paste other projects into some semblance of conference paper) - to return to this blog. ok, i havent actually had any intentions about this. i just feel like returning to it. its a yo-yo yarn, and im sorry about that.



2008 turned me into a mom and a knitter and a baltimore hon. no beehive, no glasses, no accent, but appreciation for b'more as a place i actively like, not a town i tolerate well. so there have been several personal transformations. the global political historical transformation goes without saying. we watched yesterday on a wall of tvs at the bloomberg school of public health with a rapt audience. zoe was wonderful and seemed nearly as interested in parts of the inaguration as her adults - clapping and dancing (and dumping blueberries on the floor).



noodle is the funniest most wonderful person. she smiles and laughs and hugs and kisses and learns so fast. im crazy about her. having a little person has introduced me to a whole new community, and to neighbors i had not met before. charm city is teeming with cool people with cool kids and an interest in sustainable community living. lauraville, nearish our 'hood, is booming with locally owned kid friendly small green shops; coffee, yarn, food, books, cloth diapers, beer. places that we can afford to visit and support and enjoy. And after seriously considering moving to places like san fransisco and boston, our budget (well, the future one that includes a little income, a pleasant addition coming in 2009) suddenly looks so much fluffier. going out, enjoying the town, enjoying the region, seems all the more possible.



There is also grit, blight, crime, violence, and poverty. Urban standards, but a bit of a heavy dose. I had not heard gunfire before moving to Charm City. But I like this town. I like its size, I like the neighborhoods with the bungalow homes with old wood and stairs and porches. I like that there are slightly better neighborhoods with beautiful old homes that we can imagine being able to buy in not too distant a future. Thinking seriously about moving to other cities - urban places that I always thought I would prefer to live in - helped me realize that this is the kind of home I always hope to live in. quality of life is dependent on many things, and for me the space that i live in is important. windows and sun and enough dirt to dig in. and our porch swing. i could be happy elsewhere. but i am happy here.

so thinking about the last year and the next year and how i want to live, i am finally getting ready to determine a list of resolutions. this is when blogs are especially useful. i feel all the more commited when publishing into space, even with no readers. and i cant lose the list.

1. i will always buy organic milk, even with its twice the price and i feel cheap.

2. i will not buy ice cream at the store to eat at home. (unless special occasions involving guests.) i will only eat ice cream when its delicious and we are at places like pitango. or if we make it at home.

3. i will start regular stretching and yoga, regular as in before my back hurts, not just when it acts up. if i cant keep up a regular home practice, i will join a class.

4. we will buy bikes and start to use them.

5. i will visit with friends in baltimore that i do not see often enough more often.

appreciation for a daily tree pose

carrying around zoe is apparently hard on my back. we still take weekly family trips to the chiropractor, but adjustments and yoga are like peanut butter and jelly, good on their own but so great together. so, i started fitting in a quick - im talking 10 minutes or so - yoga practice in each (or most) mornings during zoe's (hopeful) nap (or for a few minutes while she should be napping but isnt but also isnt yet crying about it). i actually started the habit only partially for the benefit of my aching spine. i was also going through a small emotional frizzout, and taking a deep breath alone to myself each morning was a huge help. so, in the guest room looking out the window to our big backyard tree i practice a sun salutation, a tree pose, shoulder stand, plow, a twist or two, and a brief bit of savasana meditation focusing on what i need that day (energy, calm, forgiveness, patience, chocolate, ok not chocolate). if i have time i fit in a few others, or later in the day while playing on the floor with mszozo i will sit in lotus, or pop up into bridge, practice a yoga stretch while reaching over for the spitup rag - it reminds me of a little bit there used to be (still is?) in yoga magazine that was about fiting yoga poses in during the regular daily routine like buckling your seatbelt. anyhow it has helped me tremendously.

a note about the cars: thank you for all your sympathy. its going to be fine. we dont yet know if the homeowners insurance (of the tree owner) will pay for any repairs (our car insurance doesnt) and we cant afford any as it is. BUT one of them is drivable, bent up but drivable, so we can get where we need to and its fine. Practicing non-attachment, right? And giving copious amounts of thanks that we were not in the car, especially that Zoe and her backseat car seat were not in the car when the back window broke. blessedblessedbe.

happy at home

So many things to talk about. Here is a relatively randomly generated list:

Glad to be home. And really glad ms. zo has gone back to happily sleeping in her crib for good long bouts of time at night. It was all about co-sleeping on the road, which was nice in the cuddle department and not so nice in the get-good-sleep department.

So proud of my baby girl who rocked as super traveler for three days of driving to Nebraska and a long flight home with too many hours in Chicago (but thanks for the rocking chairs in the airport, thats nice!)

So proud of my little brother who rocked as Tommy in his highschool's production of Brigadoon.

In Nebraska I had the chance to record a couple tracks for a lullaby cd my mom's group Baby Needs Shoes is working on. Lots of fun. The first time anyone sang while nursing a baby in that particular studio...probably not common in any studio. And Zoe may make an appearance as well. We tried to record cute cooing sounds, but she was mostly interested in yelling in a way that wont really jive with a lullaby album.

While hanging out at my mothers I watched daytime tv for the first time in forever and saw one of those morning "news" shows, you know that one where they go outside and talk to the screaming people, Good Morning America I think. Anyhow, they did a little bit about how many resources the average person uses in a lifetime and they talked about disposable diapers. My thoughts about this rambled so long I have decided to make it a separate post - so see above.

Zoe had her two month shots today and I almost got teary. Poor thing has been hurt so few times in life so far. Wish I could always protect her from pain. I don't actually think that vaccines cause autism, and I do think that vaccines save lives. But I nevertheless couldnt help but think about it and feel a little worried...

I got a spinning composter for my birthday! Yay for the husbub who took up a collection among family. N0w to start diggin in the dirt. We have plants still in the ground from before winter...the broccoli has bloomed in lovely little yellow flowers. Who knew broccoli produced lovely little yellow flowers? But unfortunately only tomatoes and broccoli seedlings have grown, the eggplant and pepper seeds failed to rise up. shucks.

Yay for roasting marshmallows in the backyard! (see pics :)

Is your baby well adjusted?

Once upon a time I found myself with stubborn, rather serious, lower back pain. Something was stuck and stretching and yoga only partially eased but didnt solve the problem and I had it for months. Then I met a chiropractor giving free consultations at my gym. I started visiting him weekly, as my insurance appeared to cover the cost (and when we realized it didnt, he waved the the co-pay since I cant afford it, so I really felt I owed him the benefit of the doubt to keep going). I was fairly skeptical, especially of the strange clicky tool he used that seemed bizarre. But after not too long, I was cured! My back was seriously fixed. Once again I could sneeze in the morning without falling to my knees in pain, and I could enter yoga poses previously off limits because I just couldnt bend that way anymore.
And then I got pregnant. I doubted that a pregnant woman should continue to see a chiropractor, but apparently its quite normal. I kept going, twice a week, and I didnt have the typical pregnant back pains. In fact I had a pretty easy going healthy pregnancy. I cant say that mr. chiropractor necessarily gets all the credit, Im not sure what it would have been like without the regular adjustments, but I bet it helped. In fact, for awhile I had really bothersome rib pain. I didnt mention it to him for a couple weeks (somehow I retain a good deal of disbelief and skepticism, Im not sure why). He used the bizzaro clicky tool and, voila, rib pain gone. Wild.

And then he said he wanted to see the baby. I dont mean to look and say, oh what a cute baby. He wanted to adjust my baby. In the first week of her little life. This seemed totally ridiculous. He described it, it sounded pretty gentle and harmless. He swore that there are studies showing that baby chiropractic care reduces the incidence of ear infections and colic. That sounds good to me. So I brought Tim and Zoe on her week birthday to the chiropractor. Im actually a little embarrased to admit it, because it sounds so totally crazy, but my baby had a chiropractic adjustment. He felt her little spine with two gentle fingers, pushed very lightly on the back of her neck, held her by her hips upside down while she stretched and twisted herself around, and massaged her little belly a tiny bit. I dont know if it will help her in any way, but Im certain it will not hurt her. And if she can avoid ear infections and colic, Im totally on board. So now Zoe will go with me to the chiropractor each week.
She's a well adjusted baby.

Loving Zoe

Zoe Josephine Ruhlman Niessen was born at 12:28 February 8th. More than once I've burst into tears just looking at her. Maybe partly post-partum hormones awire, but I've seen it happen to her daddy too.

I was'nt able to imagine bringing her home and what it would be like having a baby here, in our house, that we were all responsible for. But its totally natural. Not necessarily easy, though we're luckier than most in that my mother in law is here cleaning and cooking and helping out. And today I feel quite fantastic as I slept for three two hour blocks last night! The last few mornings I was teary and bleary. But we have fallen into co-sleeping and Zoe simply loves to sleep on daddy's chest. It's funny, because my medical student husband had been very resistant to co-sleeping; the official Pediatric line is "don't do it." But Zoe much prefers the bed (specifically daddy's chest) to the basinet. And he loves every minute of it. If I hold her she wants to nurse continually all night. If he holds her between nursing sessions, I get to wake up happy and alert and he so very very much loves the snuggle time.

And all that research and deliberating about cloth diapers has turned out great so far. She started out in the diapers from the hospital and, although people say cloth leaks, more than once she wet through diaper clothes and blanket. I thought she might be a bit little for the cloth I had (she's a bit little for basically all her clothes) but just yesterday I went ahead and tried, and it worked great! She is so cute and seems more comfortable and they seem to do a better job than the hospital supplied 'sposies. Now that I know what I like (chinese prefolds with snap-e and prorap classic) I am anxious to get some more wraps. Most of my family has looked at me with a very skeptical "oh you will see that you are crazy" look upon their face. But so far I am super excited that they are working, they are cuddly, they are cute, and they are going to save us tons of money! Yay! Next up: picking out a wrap for wearing Zoe as we go out and about.

Thank you everyone for all your really kind words of love and encouragement and congratulations, it is so fun reading all the facebook notes - for the couple of you that read this in blog version instead of the imported to facebook version, we have started collecting pictures in a facebook album (you dont need to be a member to see them) at:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=89880&l=2f851&id=545100313

My last day before motherhood.

Its a strange thing.
Although, in some ways my last day before motherhood was the last day that I did not know I was pregnant. Not because pregnant = motherhood, but because pregnant = changed life. Changed food and drink, changing body, change all around.
But now comes the biggest change of all.
Now that I have been pregnant for 41+ weeks,
Im certainly ready for change.

philadelphia for a day

so, i havent solved the problem of the last post yet. been filling my time right up with all sorts of other things. ill get to it...later.
but today we are taking a quick day trip to philadelphia, so, you know, ill probably go into labor. although that is not the plan. but we are packing the hospital suitcase and camera just in case murphy decides to impose law.

Crazy, thats me.

I officially designate myself a crazy person. I have a tendency to get stuck in a loop, my mind will keep working on something, often something relatively mundane or that I cant do anything about, and it takes me quite a while to move on. Lately Ive been stuck in a cloth diaper loop. I have got the types, the pros and cons of this and that, down. Now it is just decision-making and deal-finding that occupies an embarrassing number of hours. embarrassing. Deciding what to buy is complicated by the tightness of the budget, but at least I can be reassured to know that overall I will be saving money in the long run using cloth over disposables - especially if I were to buy some relatively eco-friendly disposables like seventh generation. Besides even so called biodegradable diapers will not actually disintegrate in a landfill anyhow, as even banana peels are well preserved in the ecology of a landfill. Anyhow, I have almost decided on what I will be buying, and they will be relatively boring and economical, though the cute and newfangled and organic and fluffy etc are tempting, just pricey. But the point is, I am getting ever closer to decision making, though being fully psychotic during the process. Meanwhile I have developed a equally crazy day dream of opening a store - a real bricks and mortar store - in baltimore for cloth diapers, wraps, baby things made by maryland work at home moms, things I like, green products, gently used things, etc. I even have a spot picked out (on harford road with red canoe and zekes and that new knitting store). I have always had a bit of an entrepreneurial bug in me, though my only experience actually running a business was a coffee shop, not a baby retail. And I know that in reality it would be craziness, and I would have to take out loans and then I would most likely go (even more) broke. And not to mention, I'm supposed to write a dissertation in the next couple years. But lately I have enjoyed the thought of dissing the diss and opening this store, with a playroom and community space where I can work with my baby in tow and meet and help other new parents and where people could buy good products in person rather than only online, which is where all the cloth diapering stuff is, at least when in baltimore. Its not the tea shop that I used to dream about opening, but I think there might be a market for it and it sounds fun. A little green shop for baby and me, and other babies, and you.

But, like I said, absolutely crazy.

So this is the new year

Happy 2008! I have high hopes for this year. Im making wishes for positive turns of international political and personal nature. The best and only way to start, to "be the change you want to see" if you will, is with the personal. So our house is starting 2008 with organized and cleaned closets and basement. Perhaps mundane, but I thought it was a great way to spend new years day; after sleeping in and cleaning up the zillion plates and dishes and etc from our impromptu new years eve celebration the night before, of course. In the last week of 2007 I had family visiting and with their help we have renovated the baby room - yay! Now I feel significantly more ready for the little one's arrival. Not perfectly finished or prepared, but much much better. And now it is January; just one month to go (or there abouts)! And its a month that I mostly have free to be home, which is a rare thing that I am approaching with excitement pleasure and a touch of apprehension. So overall it is an exciting month, and in lieu of yearlong resolutions I have a list of January goals:

January Goals:
1. Finish cleaning/organizing and such nesting activities such as figuring out what cloth diaper style to use, buy, and etc etc.
2. Plan the garden. Yay! I am excited for this. This will be the third year we have planted a garden, and we learn a great deal each time. This is the first year that I have requested seed catalogues instead of buying whatever packets and transplants are available at garden shops. This will be (hopefully) the first year I manage to really plant from seed instead of attempt and then end up buying transplants anyhow. Dont have much in the way of indoor sunny spots for little seeds to develop. But im giving it another shot. I am also resolving to be a more dedicated garden tender. Im really hoping to get the best harvest out of my efforts as possible this year. While gardening for the sake of gardening is fun, our budget is extra extra tight now (replacing rent-paying tenants with a baby will do that) and I am really hoping to make our harvest stretch our grocery budget.
3. Write paper for March ISA conference before the baby arrives. Buy the plane tickets and go to the conference, even if such a thought is frightening and strange as a will-be new mom.
4. Cook at home. We rarely eat out or order in, but this month as I will have time I am excited to try some new recipes and experiment with cost-saving family friendly things that will be easy and useful later. Im talking not letting anything go to waste, using dry legumes and lentils and maybe learning to bake bread that actually rises. While I love baking easy breads like banana etc, I have always been a bit frightened of the yeast rising bread baking process. Im going to give it a go.
Im looking forward to January, and the rest of 2008! I hope it brings all of you the good times I am hoping for!

slings wraps tais oh my!

There are a lot of things to learn about when you are having a baby. Just one of these is how to transport the little buggaboo around, and the world of baby carrying is a zillion times bigger than i had thought. At first I was very excited to buy a German wrap I had heard of, dydimos, and did not realize there were many other options. well i was wrong. there are hundreds of kinds of brands and styles etc of wraps, slings, ring contraptions, backpackish ones with clips, things called mei tais, its wild. for situations like this it is very lucky/helpful to have friends who have already become versed in the lingo, like becca who could have a baby-wearer phd. but, even with the help of a pro there are lots of choices. i like ones with no added structure beyond the material and no clips - just fabric to tie and maybe a ring. Some of the fabrics are really fabulous. Once I have settled on one or two and have a baby to cart around to try it out Ill post a picture. But meanwhile I want to post a link to a 250$ baby carrier give away contest!

the next major learning curve in regards to what to get to be ready for the baby, and actually a bit more complicated and urgent than baby wearing, is cloth diapering. oh my there are options. oh my there are things to know. oh my there are things to buy. once i become an expert i will be so glad to guide future moms and dads trying to figure it all out for their first babies too.

pushing out diamonds

somewhere in the random reading ive started doing about being pregnant and etc etc i had heard that it is somewhat customary for dads out there to give moms a present for delivering a baby (typically sparkly and expensive). i mentioned it to tim (babydaddy) who was a bit incredulous. eyebrow raised. are you kidding me? but he knows that whatever the circumstance i dont want diamonds anyhow. in fact id be pissed if he spent a gaggle of money on something so unappealing and dumb (in my opinion). doesnt help that we are scrimping and saving for things such as a crib and clearly not in the income bracket of those interviewed for the times article that bought hot tubs and louis vuitton bags (gag) to ease the daddy guilt that the 21st century sensitive man apparently gains by paying attention to their partner during pregnancy. im not going to say that pregnancy is a cake walk. sure i have looked a bit grumpilly at my physically-unaffected husband at times, but the more overwhelming feeling that i have, as a now 8 months pregoplump chick (jesus, how can that be already?) is that i am damned charmed that i have the choice to be pregnant if i want - and im enjoying it! men, and lots of women, dont have that choice. sure, ive had a really lucky healthy pregnancy. which isnt the case for all. but not everyone struggles either. when i feel the baby move, the supposedly guilt ridden partner in this process can only imagine what that is like. meanwhile i fully enjoy taking my baby on walks, and napping together in the afternoon, and feeling amazing (albeit with heartburn, squished lungs, and etc etc). the non-birthing partner can provide all kinds of support, endless kinds of support, that do not include diamond earrings. that's not to say that real heart-felt gifts are bad, but this type of expected/demanded (expensive) quid pro quo for labor, as the times article describes, borders on gross.

real partnership is something so significantly more than push-presents imply. i have, on more than one occasion, felt great comfort in knowing that i have that kind of support and cannot fathom going through pregnancy and birth alone (physically or emotionally). it can be scary. really scary. even for a strong independent women. the kind of partner support that helps one through both the fear and the heartburn is what women have really lacked for much of history. the picture of the world that the times article describes doesnt sound like progress to me.

hi there

six month check in

The grape sized heart beat is now more than a pound and does gymnastics in my belly.

And I have been learning all the things that one needs to learn to prepare for a small person's arrival. So far the greatest learning curve seems to involve diapers. This will, I am sure, be a large part of our upcomming life: diapers. There are many many many more types of cloth diapers out there than I ever realized. Old school with covers, pockets with inserts, full units with buttons...and many many opinions about them all. I am living in a bit of fear and apprehension for how it will all go down, with the little one here needing changing all the time and me doing the laundry while I work on getting back to work and finding a teaching job before too long. I dont want to enter these mommy wars that are so ridiculous, but I worry that only those that make mommying their full time job are able to forgo disposables, breast feed exclusively, and do all these things that are best for the planet and the child. That is the paranoid part of me and the part that has just read blogs written by "green mommy"s and super nurturers that post their homemade organic grown in the backyard weekly menus and reports on their unschooling schooling. The other part of me, the more rational chill part, knows that its all possible and there are biodegradable disposable diapers for when you need them, and breastfeeding doesnt mean never being away from your child, and Ill be a fine mom. Not to mention, we live a really lucky life. I dont have to work a day and night shift standing behind some counter. I have a partner that is also ready to be mom, also does laundry also wants to be home, although he will mostly not be, as dictates the life of a med student. I will have a good bit of time off when the baby is new, after which I will be still be predominantly home knocking out a dissertation - damn I have it so much better than most of the moms in this world who are up against so much more.

So my pledge to myself and to my baby is to do what I can. To do what I can to be as sustainable in our living and as nurturing in our caring. Oh and to find the best baby wearer/wrap/sling out there - another thing with about 5,000 options.

a grape sized heartbeat

I havent written any messages for quite some time. been a little bit distracted. maybe its the three jobs in philadelphia baltimore and dc, or maybe its the fact that i have a little bun in my ever-growing oven. yep, a baby in my belly!

sometimes i dont believe it. hearing the heartbeat just the other day was good evidence that its real. its terribly exciting and terribly frightening. i wanted to be a relatively young mom. i cant wait to teach a little person all the things that i think are fabulous about the world and raise them to be sweet and generous and kind. but, clearly, its a challenge that doesnt always happen so easily and it will be so hard, very hard, the hardest thing ive ever tried to do and in many ways it would be much easier to wait. wait until i and my partner are each professionally and financially established. (in addition to all the unavoidable costs, there are so many fabulous things to spend money on when you are pregnant, and for little people! even eco-friendly things like all the stores listed in the green pages, maybe for another post) but, instead of such fabulous things we are pinching pennies even tighter and a bit worried about how the necessities will get paid for and how the dissertation will get finished while the doctor in training works 90+ hours a week...oh dear, right? but. but! we are convinced that children that grow in their formative years in a house that cant buy everything or most things it wants grow up to be significantly better people than those overly comfortable and spoiled. though im sure our parents will do a fair amount of spoiling. and in the long term, even short term really with loans and privilege, we do lead a charmed existence into which we are excited to bring a little wide eyed baby child. I have until January 30th, give or take the natural order of things, to write a stellar and solid dissertation proposal and detailed roadmap of what to do to get it finished. i think it can be done. though the overly-fatigued stage of pregnancy sometimes begs to differ.